Ahhh Facebook, you always had a way with the truth. I’ve missed you so! *sarcasm* Exposing those who are careless, or maybe just don’t care.
This morning, I was instantly triggered into “trust nobody” mode after seeing my father’s face in a mirror hung on a wall. What’s so big about that? Nothing really. But the picture was not of him but of two family members that had expressed support of me in the past.
If you aren’t familiar with my story, I was sexually abused by my father when I was 10 years old. It was 10 years this summer that I finally broke the silence. My broken silence divided my family, my trust, and, ultimately, my life. While I would never go back to the life I once lived, I sometimes feel guilty for being such a distraction in everyone’s life over this. And there is the root of my trigger.
Along my healing journey, I’ve had a lot of loving support, and I’m grateful for that as those people gave me hope to trust again. Alternatively, I’ve also had people tell me off. And you know, I’m okay with that, at least I can respect their position. I can trust face value. I’m even okay with those who remain on the fence, supporting neither side. I’m comfortable with allowing time to reveal the truth.
It’s that other group, the ones who had given me support, tell me repeatedly that they love me, and called out my father time and time again -even go so far not to have him at their wedding. Those are the ones that get me EVERY time.
I’m triggered.
Back to the drawing board of trust. Now it’s time to get to work!
The Reason for This Blog
The most magnificent reflections in my life come to me when I work out. There are all kinds of science behind why your mind opens up when you’re in beast mode. It’s the reason why many people become addicted to body movement in the first place -myself included.
Before each workout, I set an intention to learn something about my life and world. And then, I record it on this blog to encapsulate my thoughts and then share them with you.
What Was My Intention?
When I’m triggered, I shake. The adrenaline surges through me like a kid hopped-up on sugar. If I ever did cocaine, I’m sure this is what it feels like. But, that isn’t all adrenaline, there are stress hormones plowing through me, and those, if not given a job, will take my life away.
My intention for this workout is simple. SWEAT IT OUT!
How Did I Feel Before?
Still shaking, light headed, but ready to run through a wall at high speed. I’ve learned to not give in to hatred, but to love instead (thank you, Shelley!). I’ve done my part in telling that person how I feel, and that I still love them. But by nature, my anatomy still wants to protect itself. So, I’m AMPED UP!
What Did I Do?
- Treadmill: 13.25k run at a 4:58 min/km pace with moderate hills.
How Do I Feel After?
Physically, I really didn’t need to do another run this week, but mentally, today, I needed it. However, after that nicely paced run, I do feel great on both fronts. The stress hormones that took over my body are now completely burned off.
What Did I Learn?
What is it in others, that I need to learn in myself?
I learned that in life, we have to trust everyone or nobody. Choosing to trust on an individual basis brings out the weakness of trust in ourselves. Trust has nothing to do with the others, it has all to do with yourself.
Today, I was triggered not because I lost trust in someone else, I realized that I have a lack of faith in myself with my father. I don’t trust myself in his presence. If I met him, would I break down? Would I get angry? Would I bend to his influence as I had so many years ago?
I have much to work on this, and I’m afraid the only way to truly test myself is to put myself in that situation.
So, mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who’s the most untrustworthy of them all?
I am.