There are no words to define how sexual abuse shapes a person. I do the best I can with the knowledge I have gained over the years to match words I write with the pain I have felt. As a vicim of sexual abuse, there have been times that I wanted to react with anger, blame and self-harm. There were other times I tried to be pitiful with sadness. Overall, I just wanted the abuse to make sense to me and the only way I found to be the most effective was by sharing the words that I have been dying to share for close to 30 years.
Upon returning home from a recent self-help seminar, it became clear to me that I continually shortchange myself, my family and my life by playing small. When I get close to my greatness and see that last bit of work that needs to be done, I retreat. I am afraid to dream big, in fear that I may not succeed or worse, that I may. Something is holding me back, and until now, I never realized what it actually was.
It has been five years since I filed my complaint of childhood sexual abuse against my father with the police. Five years of keeping my mouth shut to not disturb a court case that likely will never happen. Meanwhile, the man who abused me is allowed to freely walk this earth with no remorse or recourse for his actions. While I cannot concern myself with his life or the judgement that may never come his way, I can concern myself with my untold story; a story that until now has never been told to anyone other than the police.
Remaining silent and being a “good boy” to a justice system that only serves to protect the accused has been the kryptonite of me being the Superman of my life. I was always an obedient son to my parents, doing and following their every word to not upset them. So, it should not surprise anyone that I would be just as obedient to the police and the justice system. It is this constant desire to fall back in line that is holding me back from accomplishing a life that is meant for more than what it is delivering. Just like anyone of you reading this, I am more than what I do, I just do less so that I don’t stand out. If done with good intention, there is no reason why we cannot share our most significant truth to seek our greatest glory.
I have claimed many times to be rid of the pain from my abusive past, but I was wrong. I just didn’t look deep enough. I still have seeds of pain planted in my soul that I use the police, the justice system and the fear of litigation to protect. But there is more to my life that I need to give, there is more from this life that I can get. I just have to get over this last painful mountain.
What you are about to read over the next few posts is dark, graphic and painful. If you continue on, you may not like what you read, especially if you know me personally. But it is the truth, and I have held it deep within me, and until now I could never let it go. I had made an excuse to wait until I wrote my second book to release these very personal details, but while I have written one book on this topic, writing a second on it just seems to be another excuse to stay safe and play small. I can have just as much impact sharing my painful words through this blog and in the end, the words will no longer be mine to hold. I will not die holding on to this secret, and more importantly, I will no longer live with it.
I hope that after you read these next few posts, you will have a better understanding of just what childhood sexual abuse really is. You will get to know how the process of sharing with the justice system is like and just how frustrating it can be. I will, without releasing names, tell you what I have learned of who is involved and what roadblocks to justice remain in place. Most importantly, to me, upon publishing these blog posts, I will no longer have to hold onto these words that are holding me back. I will finally be free to play big in a world that I believed was too small.
They will be my final words on a harrowing past.