For the last couple of months I had been caught up in a little bit of confusion. To avoid any anxious thoughts, I let my confusion just play itself out. My confusion stemmed from my lack of desire to organize another Victor Walk this year (click here to find out more about the Victor Walk). I was quick to dismiss my energy towards organizing it as I am not afraid of a little work. I was quick to dismiss the thought that I would be alone in my adventure as I am incredibly lucky to have amazing supportive people who would help me in a second. What I couldn’t dismiss and what lead to my confusion was my desire. I was just not passionate about putting on another Victor Walk. What is going on?
Last year, the Victor Walk was an amazing experience for me. I had 25 or so of my closest friends come out and support victims of abuse with me. It was such an empowering exercise, so what is wrong with me now? Or is there anything wrong with me?
I didn’t understand my feelings until my wife asked me last week if I was going to do the Victor Walk again and I had responded with a confident “no”. It was then I had to verbalize my confused yet somewhat understood reason. I am over it. I had told her that while I will continue to help anyone who has gone through the similar experiences of abuse, I just don’t want to be a public advocate. I really feel as though I have done everything I can and am deeply pleased with where I am in life. Since I had received word that the court case would not be heard, I have completely moved on from it all. Perhaps that was the closure that I needed. This feeling of closure is such a different feeling for me, while I feel full emotionally, I feel empty of negativity. While I tried to convince myself otherwise I think deep down it was. It’s not that I don’t care anymore it’s just that my past no longer consumes me to any degree. I do not hold any anger, sadness, confusion or pain from my past. I have forgiven everyone involved and while it was a very unfortunate event that happened in my life, I do not want to be defined by it.
When I explained this to my wife, things started to be a bit more clear to me. While I would have never admitted it during my struggles, I really believe that I had used my abusive past as a crutch. When I became over-reactive in certain situations or would have a string of horrendous downward spiraling weeks; I would make up excuses with a dash of my past thrown in for good measure. In my head, I would blame my abuse for my thoughts, my predicament in life and my mental stability. To take it even a little further, I think I even felt a little boost in my morale when I would talk about my abuse and fed off of the praise. These are normal for someone in pain, it served as my protection mechanism as I worked on building my new personality. The key is that I got away from that crutch: I am standing on my own. While I appreciate all of the confidence instilled in me by others, I can now self-praise. I refused to blame anything or anyone: I am in control of my life. I know where I want to go, I know what I want to do and I know who I am. My past is just not in that equation anywhere.
I am no longer my story. I am me.