Over the past few weeks, an intense bout of loneliness has taken over me. While I have a lot of loving people around me, none of them seem to be getting through my bubble. I am confused, increasingly self-absorbed and becoming frequently sad.
My workouts aren’t working, and I can’t seem to run fast or far enough to get away from my bad feelings. I try to write a blog post, but I can’t. My mind blocked from writing what I genuinely want to write, and this is what you’re reading.
If working out can’t help me right now, then I’m placing all of my bets that getting out of my head with my written word will.
I’m not a victim. I’m not looking for pity. I’m not even looking for advice. I’m just trying to put into words the confusion and loneliness that is racing through my head right now.
Recently, a good friend that I respect deeply revealed some news to me that rocked the very foundation that I have built my life on. This news left me wondering what path I am following and if I followed too closely to theirs. I was.
I don’t blame this person -everyone is fallible. However, I blame myself for falling for a hero and placing my trust in anyone other than myself.
How could I have been so foolish?
Everything I stand for, and every routine I do, is being hauled into question over my stupidity and inability to be my self. This reflection has left me feeling alone and naked to the truth. Who am I? What do I represent? But this is a good reality check. I needed this lesson. I needed to understand that I have much more work to do to understand just who it is that I am, and who I want to be away from any outside influence.
I’ve felt lonelier, confused and more hurt before in my life. I’m not new to this rodeo. While the foundation beneath me has shaken, it did not break. I must continue to trust that I have it within me to see this through as I have done a few times before.
I am me. I trust in me, and someday, I will believe in me.
Come to think about it. I feel better already.
Thank you for reading.