I Refuse To Be Ashamed

Seemingly out of nowhere another person speaks out and breaks the cycle of abuse. My family has many dirty secrets that I am pleased to see broken.

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The following snippet was taken from the Telegraph-Journal on October 2nd, 2017:

SAINT JOHN • Two Sussex residents appeared in Saint John provincial court in custody this week charged with offences related to child pornography. Raymond Calvin Adair, 59, of O’Connell Avenue and Jennifer Nagle, 62, of Cedar Avenue appeared before Judge Marco Cloutier on Thursday afternoon. Cloutier denied bail to Adair following a hearing and remanded him in custody until the conclusion of legal proceedings. He ordered him to return to court to enter his election of mode of trial and plea on Oct. 13. Cloutier adjourned Nagle’s bail hearing to Oct. 5 and remanded her in custody. The judge ordered him to have no contact with Nagle and several other people.

The RCMP has charged Nagle with making a video for a sexual purpose showing “the sexual organ or anal region of a person who is or is depicted as being under the age of eighteen” contrary to section 163.1(2)(a) of the Criminal Code, distributing a video of someone identified by the same initials contrary to section 163.1(3)(a), and having electronic picture images contrary to section 163.1(4)(a), on Feb. 1 in Sussex.

She faces two charges of theft for allegedly stealing underwear from two people on Feb. 1 at Sussex. The RCMP has charged Adair with having child pornography in the form of electronic picture images in his possession, as well as underwear belonging to three people, knowing they were obtained by an indictable offence.

Cloutier banned publication of any information that could identify the complainants, and banned publication of evidence and argument presented at the bail hearing.

The two people listed in this news article are members of my family. Jennifer Nagle is my aunt -the sister of my father. Raymond Adair, has been a friend of the family for a long time and from what I remember, a longtime boyfriend of Jennifer. What they have been accused of doing is disgusting and vile. While I am not at liberty to say who the person is that is alleged to have been victimized, let’s just say it is someone who would have been placed in great trust of my aunt. Now that trust has been shattered. The cycle has continued and another family is torn apart by sexual abuse.

Since the day that I found out that they were arrested for distributing child pornography, I have been in shock while trying to find the words to best describe how I feel about these people and what they have been accused of doing. As you can imagine, I have gone through all of the feelings, even happiness; I am deeply happy that a brave soul with amazing courage stood up and said: “This is not right!”. This person broke the cycle of abuse and to do this before the age of 18 is commendable. This person is my hero.

It was a couple of years ago that my aunt Jennifer (one of the accused in the mentioned newspaper article) and I had a rather heated discussion over Facebook about my situation with her brother (my father). On one hand, she was proud of me for standing up against my abusive past, but on the other, she made it well known that me going to the police with my complaint was not acceptable. She was deeply concerned about how the public would react if word got out about my accusations and at the time she was already fielding questions about it from people she met on the street. I tried valiantly to explain that I had no choice, I had to do my part in ending the cycle and she simply replied: “you are a shame to the family name!”. My conversation with Jennifer ended there and I vowed to never speak to her again.

There is a common theme that echoes throughout that side of my family and that is: “We will deal with it as a family.”. Any accusations of wrongdoing are quickly discussed and swept under the rug as if it never happened. Obviously, we have failed “as a family” to deal with our transgressions. The cycle of sexual abuse among some unsavory participants within our group does not end with them. They wish to pass along the pain and suffering they have endured during their lives to whomever they can prey upon. And why not? There is no accountability!

The mentality in my family is that by involving the police or any outside intervention, it is seen as a black mark on the family name and we can never tarnish that. I have heard it so many times that it is burned into my cranium that if you don’t have a family name, then you have nothing. Well, I am about to proclaim to the rest of those who share my family name, that is complete bullshit. Your name is YOUR name and it is what YOU do as a human being that builds your character, your reputation and ultimately your life.

I am a “Nagle” only because I was given that name, but I am “Jeff Nagle” because of what I do, what I stand for and how I live. I stand up when something is wrong and I will not allow anyone a free pass if they have harmed someone else. Ending this disgusting cycle of abuse ends with me and holding accountability for one’s actions is the only way that I know to do that. Accountability is not revenge, it is forcible healing in one way or another. Remaining silent only serves to fuel the pain as we are only as sick as our darkest secret and we will never heal if we are not willing to accept that.

I am not ashamed of who I am, where I came from, who I have descended from, what has been done to me and how I have healed from it all. If moving on from my pain with action to end it instead of passing it to the next generation means that I am a shame to my family then that is their burden to bear; it will never be mine.

I refuse to be ashamed.

Information on this case: