Social Distancing Journal: Day 7

Nothing seems to matter.

Today, we went for a long walk in the woods. Many people also chose the same woods, it was crowded, and I didn’t feel so isolated. The hike was nice, but I think it was irresponsible to be there. This isolation thing is new to us, mistakes will be made, but we’re trying.

The longer we get into this journey of isolation, the deeper I seem to be getting inside of the things that I’ve been neglecting. I spent a lot of time reflecting on the things in my life that likely won’t be happening this year because of this disruption.

A good friend of mine, Yves, asked me a question the other day: Are you doing what you love? Or are you doing it to be loved? I’ve been asked this question before, and it never struck me, but this was the time I needed to hear it.

With the future in the air and everything off the table because of COVID-19, I’m struggling for inspiration. All of my goals for this year are being threatened, but I’m not feeling disappointed. I’m not exactly feeling good about it either. Was I doing what I love? Or was I doing that to be loved? It seems to me if my goals were doing what I love, I should be very disappointed.

I’ve always been a devout people pleaser. It stems from a childhood of pleasing my parents, needing them to be happy and proud of me. I was a young boy when my father sexually abused me, and I didn’t want to be loved for who I was -an object to satisfy someone else’s pain. I craved love that was a result of something I did. It kept the focus off me.

As an adult, I still have a desire to do things that make people love me, even if I don’t like doing those things. I don’t want people to love me for me. It’s a constant struggle, and with time coming to a stop as it has, I’m able to do the work being more mindful of it.

So, coming back to the present. As my future looks quite empty, I am left to question what I want to do when life eventually comes back online. With a blank slate, I can’t think of a better time to do what I love and be more mindful of not doing things that I think will make people love me.

There are possibilities in front of us as we continue to drift along with this new world of isolation. You have the opportunity now to make changes in your life that you would have convinced yourself in the past that you didn’t have time to make. Use the downtime to think, not about the doom and gloom of being sequestered, but of what your life can be when you finally get out.