There is no courage without trust
Over the years people have told me that I am courageous, yet, I feel far from it. There is one lingering battle that is being waged deep inside of me that through my ignorance, I am allowing to go on. This battle is killing my life, holding me back from being my best me and is a constant drag on my inner happiness.
To be called courageous makes me feel like a fraud. How can I be courageous if I haven’t even taken on my biggest challenge yet: trusting you.
I am not willing to trust you in the most subtle of ways
I am uncomfortable being touched.
I am uncomfortable touching others.
I cannot look at you in the eye and speak.
I am uncomfortable giving compliments.
I am uncomfortable receiving compliments.
I am comfortable being alone.
I am uncomfortable in a crowd of people that I know.
I seek your approval but shy away when I get it.
I need your help.
I am uncomfortable asking for your help.
I am uncomfortable loving you.
I am uncomfortable being loved.
I don’t trust you.
I don’t trust myself if I trusted you.
Trust is worth more than love, you can’t love without trust
Trust is so loosely thrown about, but I value it like nothing else in my life.
I am not talking about the trust we have in the arbitrary things in life like trusting a friend to show up to lunch on time or the trust you have in a company honouring its warranty. I am talking about that deeply rooted trust that we have in our soul that allows us to be ourselves.
I am terrified to trust you. Maybe it’s my past that makes me afraid of trust; it’s my flaw. I know it’s not who I am, It’s not who I want to be; it’s just a wall that I put up. There is an excited child within me who wants to live, break out and be free. But he can’t come out and play because the world outside is too scary, unknown and untrustworthy.
The trust of the innocent is the liar’s most useful tool.Stephen King
Will you take advantage of my inner child?
I can’t trust you won’t.
I don’t trust myself to trust you. And that is where my courage begins, trusting myself.
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