I’m sorry if I’m not listening to you, I can’t seem to hear you over the noises inside my head. All listening starts from within, and lately, I’ve been deaf. Ever since my tremendously deep, raw and persuasive speech about my childhood abuse that I delivered at a recent banquet, I’ve been inundated with internal noise.

Why is that the only message I seem to have that people want to hear is about my abuse? Is this all I have to give this world? Do I understand you correctly? Is this what I’m meant to do?

Every time that I share my story, It feels cheap, I was given this story by my abuser, I didn’t earn it. I didn’t ask for it, and I don’t want it anymore. But every time I try to run away from it, the world helps it catch up.

What’s the world trying to say to me?


What Was My Intention?


I intend to listen to myself and quiet the internal noise of fear. Ask the hard questions: What is the world asking from me? And am I willing to spend the rest of my life answering the call?

Or am I comfortable running away from it?

How Did I Feel Before?


Once again, physically, I feel fantastic. It’s my mind that is feeling beat up. I could medicate, but there is no use in delaying thought. It always comes back when you least expect it.

What Did I Do?


  • Stair Master: 222 floors of stairs (3,552 steps)
  • Lunges: 30 weighted lunges (25lb weights)
  • Ab set

How Do I Feel After?


Worn out! After an incredible talk with a friend earlier in the day and then this workout, I feel tired but very relieved. My mindset is back on track.

What Did I Learn?


My life is not doing what others want me to do, that is too easy. It’s what I’ve done for most of my life. It’s about listening to what others need me to do. This is hard. Listening means putting my ego, believes, and narratives aside and understanding that I am meant for much more than I am doing.

Today, I learned that I am playing much too small in such a large arena. My truth, my voice and my story are bigger than me, and it must be shared, one way or another.

Up to this point, I’ve only been doing what I thought you wanted from me. I’m sorry, I didn’t listen to what you really needed.


Read Past Fitness Journal Entries:

2 comments

  1. Your honesty is the best part Jeff. I am always surprised at your strength in sharing exactly how you are feeling. Not just a someone who is interested in what you have to say but it always make me step back and think. Most of us never truly telling people exactly what is happening inside our heads so as a reader itโ€™s very interesting to read.

    1. Thank you, Jolene! Writing is an amazing tool to transfer thought from one mind to another. It takes practice, just as it does when we speak to each other. Unfortunately, we are so disconnected by way of technology, that it is becoming more difficult to speak just how we feel. I’m grateful that I inspire thought within you, isn’t that why we are all here for? ๐Ÿ™‚

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