Don’t Let Me Down

I have never experienced failure like I did last week. While my chance at court has been derailed, my healing from my past has not. Will you continue to be there for me?

I got the call today that my court date will never happen. My complaint didn’t have enough strength to hold up a conviction. The Crown prosecutor will not pick up my case. When it comes down to it, it is my word versus his word. Nobody else is willing to step up to the plate; so as a result, he is a free man. However, I am not. The evidence that was presented will now be burned up in a furnace somewhere while I am left with the memories that I hope will fade with age.

I can’t help but feel failed by a system that is seemingly programmed to re-victimize abuse victims. My father had not contacted me for well over 2 years (after I had asked the police to intervene) and then all of a sudden, I get a letter from him. Did they contact him first to let him know he is a free man? Free enough to send me a letter? Why wasn’t I contacted? Why didn’t I get the memo? Instead, I got a call from my victim’s services representative who was shocked that I didn’t hear anything from the department who had my complaint.

There are many ways I could deal with this. I could be bitter and place blame on everyone involved with my case. I could be angry with my “friend” who wouldn’t step up when the police called for a statement. I could be deeply hurt by my mother who wouldn’t come to my rescue and made it known that I had her support. I could be resentful of those who do get their day in court. I could be filled with hate. But I am not, I won’t allow myself to be. I am the only one in control of my reaction to this. As I have all these years, I will change and I will grow. It is the only thing I can do.

But I am hurt. I feel embarrassed. I feel like a fool. I feel let down.

What I am feeling now is a failure. For the first time in my life, I have failed big. Really big! I stepped up and told every dark secret of my past to a complete stranger in hopes that I could help others and I have failed. I gave it my all, I did my best, I told them everything I knew, but time was my enemy; I waited too long to talk. Had I spoke out 20 years ago, I am sure the outcome would have been different. But now, time will bury the truth and now I must accept that.

I can hear it now “if the system doesn’t believe him, then why should I?”. To the rest of world, I am just a complainer, a whiner and an asshole who won’t allow his parents to see their only grandchild. I am the fucker who upset the apple cart. I am the one desecrating the family name. I have nothing but my poisonous memories but now the world will never see them. To them, I must bury the hatchet and go on with life and do what a good son must do.

Why should you believe me?

I don’t know the answer to that question, that is up to you to decide. I can only hope that those who have been with me through the thick… will now be there through the thin.

I really need you right now. Please, Don’t let me down.

My resolve is still the same as it was 8 years ago, I will die protecting my son from the monsters of the world. Even if I have to do this alone, my mission is critical. I will continue to lead an honest and transparent life so that I never have to worry about a trail of lies that rest in my shadow. I am not programmed to deceive as I don’t see the upside to a lie but I have paid dearly exposing the truth. Since coming forward with my abuse. I’ve lost my parents, I’ve lost my family, I’ve lost friends, I’ve lost my dignity, I’ve lost trust, I’ve lost time and I’ve lost my sanity. But somewhere in the mess, I found myself and I found my purpose.

Now that the dust cloud has settled, I will now see who really believes in me.

I believe in me.

8 thoughts on “Don’t Let Me Down

  1. Give yourself the time to heal and feel what you are feeling. It wasn’t your fault and sadly the system let you down. I do think the longer we leave things, it does make it harder, but that is our choice to do that. To report when we feel ready and that is if we want to report. Continue what you are doing and protect your child and find new things to enjoy in your life.
    I can tell from your post that although you are feeling all sorts of emotions that underneath you have the will to carry on forward and make something of your life. You will find the strength as the strength I feel is there when I read this post. Friends come and go in life I find anyway. But friends you have lost now can’t have been friends to start with. I hope you find more friends to have laughs with, coffee out etc.. In time this will happen.

  2. I could have written this post myself as it echoes my own experiences with the criminal justice system entirely. Everything that has happened to you has happened in a very similar way for me. Therefore every feeling you express is something very much like I felt. The difference is for you this has only just happened, whereas I had my police disappointment last year. What I can do is validate that your feelings and reactions are entirely appropriate to the situation…and I think you are handling it with a lot of inner strength and maturity. You are right to protect your child. I believe everything you said. I know how gut wrenchingly hard it is to give evidence against a family member who is a parent. I did the same against my dad and brother. Nobody backed me up. The status quo of the family and the preservation of the perfect family image was what they prioritised over fairness and morality. Going to the police can be revictimising…but when we start out on that path we never know the outcome do we…we hope the outcome will hopefully in our favour. It is difficult to stomach when it doesn’t. What I do know is you have the strength within you to ride this emotional storm out. I’ll be here if you want to talk. I really do understand. 💛 Summer

    1. Thank you so much for your words, your strenght and your openness. It is really tough to go through this but my healing will not be tied to this outcome. I refuse to allow external forces affect my healing…. we will rise above this.

  3. I believe you and more importantly I believe in you. What happened to you was in no way your fault. You were a child. Don’t allow him to still have his power still over you. Believe in yourself and live and love the best you can. He stole your youth so don’t let him have another day. I wish you well and a better future.

  4. You didn’t fail at all, Jeff. To do what you have done takes great bravery. The system is broken when it comes to supporting victims of abuse. I’m very sorry to hear you went through this. But, as others have said before me, remember, you are the winner. The courageous one who stands with other survivors. Never be ashamed. Be proud of all the good you have done.

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