Every night I look at the picture above and it reminds me that days with my son are extremely limited. There will be a day when he will grow up, move out and carve his own path in the world. One evening last week, I looked at that picture and that reality hit me quite hard. I have to change my path right now as my priorities are a little askew.
After writing my post about my father reaching out to me in a letter, I came to a sense of peace that I had never felt before. It felt like that moment when you take a band-aid off and realise “I don’t need another band-aid, I am healed.”. In the days following the release of that post the empowerment over my past was indescribable. I am finally past the pain, I am past the anger and I am past the guilt… I am finally me, I have arrived!
As I laid in bed after looking at my son’s picture, I came to the realisation that I have to be more present in my son’s life and focus less on my own. He is growing up so fast and before I look back in regret, I need to make him my top priority. Don’t get me wrong, his safety was the primary reason why I came out with my secrets in the first place. For the last 8 years, I have spent an overwhelming portion of my time in a self-centered state trying to make sense of all of this. It had to be done, but at times my priorities got shuffled in the wrong order. I couldn’t help it, I was healing. There is no manual in life to healing from an emotional wound. It simply is what it is.
So as I shift my priority back to him, I am going to set aside my book project. My book has been written and the process of doing so has been the greatest therapy for me. My secrets are now out of my head. I no longer feel bound by them. I have lived the story, now I must move on.
All week I had struggled with this decision to pause my book release as I wondered if I was doing so because of the mild threat that I had received. But after my revelation upon viewing my son’s picture that night and the power that last week’s blog post gave me, I assured myself I was not. I have already completed writing an entire book! That is an amazing feat, but when it comes to editing it, I just do not have that push or the passion to do so. My priority is to raise my son with all of my effort, I owe that to him. Sharing my secrets with the world will come on a different day as right now it does not align with raising him. Perhaps once I can share my secrets with him, I will feel compelled to share them with the rest of the world, but right now I have to be a Daddy… before it’s too late.