I thought it was some kind of April’s Fools Day joke when I got a registered letter in the mail from a fan of my blog. As I read the letter, it became apparent that my fan is not very happy with me. You see, the letter came from my father -my abuser. Apparently, he is an avid reader of my blog, and while I had a sneaking suspicion that this was the case, he confirmed it in the following letter that you can read by clicking here.
Sexual abuse destroys
Just as sexual abuse kills lives, it also kills families. Mine is no exception. The letter you read is nothing new to me. I have been getting these kinds of letters from my parents at least two, maybe three times a year and each time I am left with the feeling of profound guilt and am left asking myself: Why the fuck did I ever come forward?
Where is the peace from my abuse?
Should I be talking to the man who raped me as a 10-year-old child?
Just the sight of him in a picture insights fear, anger and hurt… DEEP hurt. Can speaking to him possibly help me with that? I could never imagine hearing his voice again! As the years go by my guilt diminishes a little, my feelings of deep hurt fades, and my nightmares ease as my confidence rises. Then another one of these letters comes along and haunts me that I may be doing something wrong, that I am the selfish one, the bastard who upset the apple cart. Like picking a fresh scab off of a seeping wound, I am reminded of how much I am hurting my parents by trying to protect myself and my son.
What is the endgame here?
When does this insanity end? Does it stop when I pick up the phone and give ol’ Dad and Mum a call?
Apparently, I am hell bent on destroying my mother and my father with my healing; it says so in that letter. I guess I am to bury the pain by hiding the truth as I had done for 20 years of my life. I guess I am to go back home with my tail between my legs and forge some kind of relationship with my parents so that we can be one big happy family again. I guess I am supposed to expose my son to my father and tell him ” it’s OK, son, he won’t touch you as he did me.” I guess I am the asshole in all of this. I am the shit disturber. I am the enemy.
Somehow, the abuser gets away with all of this, and I am left to bury the hatchet. “Daddy, It’s OK that you blew me as a 10-year-old, I can just write that out of my mind tomorrow!”. It doesn’t work that way. I am not hell-bent on destroying my parents, I am only hell-bent on healing from the destruction that was left from the fallout. And just when I begin to feel good, just when I feel as though I’ve got this: I get another letter.
I miss having parents
I would love to have parents again. I would like to have another set of grandparents for my son. I would love to be able to see extended family without that damn black cloud of guilt over my head and that enormous pink elephant in the room. I would give just about anything to go back to my 10-year-old self and say, “Daddy, please stop!”. But what I can’t give up is my soul, my happiness and my purpose and I will never give up the safety of my son.
You are correct father, we cannot change the past. But as long as I have a breath in my lungs and a beat in my heart; I will change the future. I will break the cycle of abuse that you were too weak to break yourself. I will ensure my message is clear to every other victim of sexual abuse that has suffered at the hands of narcissistic, sexual predators, that they have an ally in me. I will not back down from the stigma of abuse, no matter the cost. I will not give up until I am at peace and am completely healed. My resolve to rid the world of the secrecy that surrounds sexual abuse is stronger than my desire to have a relationship with my parents. It is my purpose. I will not be threatened to shut up and just sweep it under the rug. The predators will not win.
PS: Father, my book has already been written. If you think your passive-aggressive threat of suing me will deter me from sharing my story, think again. I am not scared to tell my truth to any judge or anyone else who wants to know. You are well aware that I have gone to the police with my complaint, I am ready for that trial. As to sending me letters, I told you 8 years ago to leave me alone, to allow me to heal in my own time and space, but you will not allow me that. So, let’s change the past right now… Daddy, Please stop.
You are not alone
My 2016 TEDx talk about my sexual abuse journey entitled: “You are not alone”
Sorry to hear that you cannot fully heal while you receive these letters. Keep the letters together as evidence, should you wish to take the matter further, because of writing to you when you no longer want contact.
Thank you.
Powerful and deeply saddening…Keep sharing your story! If your father didn’t want to go to court, he shouldn’t have abused you! and since he reads your blog this is my short letter to him!
Dear Jeff’s father,
You are a coward, a sexual predator and you deserve to be punished. If your son ever meant anything to you, you wouldn’t have abused him!
Stop turning it around and making Jeff feel ashamed.The blame belongs to you and always will!
Thank you for your encouragement!
Thank you for sharing this powerful and heartbreaking story of abuse. You are not alone and those of us who, sadly, share a similar fate understand every word you wrote. The pain, the shame, the pressure to forgive and move on. I have so much respect for you. You are helping us all who have similar stories. Your courage helps me have courage. Thank you.
One of the most powerful healers is knowing we are not alone. That’s why breaking the silence is so critical. I wish you the utmost strenght as you continue your journey. Thank you for your courage.
I agree with Athena. Thank you for having the courage to speak out and share your story. It helps, and will continue to help those going through the same situations.
Thank you.
Jeff, I was going to comment on your FB post but I wanted to make sure your sperm donor read this. You are an amazing man, father, and friend. I am so honored to call you my friend and even in the few short years we’ve known each other I see such a tremendous difference in you.
I can only imagine the pain that shoots through you when receiving these unsolicited letters. I look forward to the day when it no longer causes you anguish. Blood doesn’t mean shit. You know who your real family is.
Love you buddy. FF
OMG, Best opening to a comment ever!!! Your support over the years and those great mid-afternoon conversations have all helped me through those tough days. I am a product of the faith given to me by all those I consider my family, you are apart of that family. Thank you FF!
Like FF, I wanted to put something on here to make sure that your “father” saw it. Sure I could sit here and write about how pathetic of a person he is. How he hasn’t taken any responsibility for any of his actions. How he’s tried to turn it around on you and me over the years. How mind-boggling it is that your mother has stood by him through all of this. But there’s no point. I’ve learnt that over the years–there is absolutely no point as they will never change. In their eyes, you are the one that’s “opened this can of worms” (I think that’s what was said to you right?).
What I can sit here and say is that I am incredibly proud of you, I don’t think you know how much I mean that when I say it. I have watched you break down to your lowest point and I’ve been there watching you rise up above anything I could have ever dreamt for you. You are the BEST role model for our son, you can’t even imagine how grateful I am of that. Our road has not been an easy one but it is one that I would not change for anything in the world. I love you!!!
Jeff, I am a cousin of yours and I grew up on the same corner as you “sperm donor”. It was a terrible place, “hell” for every small child. I am glad you have spoken out. I too have been thinking of writing a book. When I was back to Sussex this fall and I mentioned it, one of my cousins said, ” please don’t, we were all abused”! Sad, but true. Take care and be strong. Susan
I am realizing that the abuse goes deep with this family. It is a sad reality that we cannot change the past, but thankfully we can change the future. I strongly believe that this abuse cycle will end with this generation. Thank you, Susan!
Dear god. Is this man genuinely, actually trying to say “how dare you hold me responsible for my own actions and choices, how dare you treat me like the grown man I am, how dare my actions have consequences”?
Or is his angle more denial and innocence? I’m afraid all I know of your ordeal here is this one post, I’m not in possession of all the facts – does he deny that this sexual abuse happened?
This man is the king of the narcissists! He has never confirmed nor denied anything happened and has skirted the issue rather nicely (for lack of a better term).
Narcissism! Oh, yay, that’s a hole with no bottom. The mother of a friend of mine is queen of the narcissists, and to anyone not regularly exposed to their wily ways (me), it’s almost impossible to believe that an actual human is capable of the horrendous shit they pull. You’ve got huge wodges of my sympathy. Naturally they’re trying to get inside your mind and undermine your confidence every chance they get, for the notion that they possess even the teensiest imperfection breaks their brains. You keep up the good work.
Thanks Mikey! It has taken many years, but his control over me is nothing. It wasn’t until I could get past that control was I able to find myself. Thank you for your comments!! 🙂