Not long ago, I had a life decision to make. Would I let the pain of my past define who I am? or would I use it to move me forward? I had spent a majority of my life using my painful past of childhood sexual abuse as a reason to dictate my emotions. In turn, it was holding me back from growing as a person and I just couldn’t get past it. It has been said that the only way to rid yourself of a painful past is to dig it up and actually feel it. I know this first hand. When I finally took it upon myself to feel my pain, I became miserable and bitter. I was using my pain the wrong way.
Emotional pain is like gasoline. If you allow it to soak every area of your life, a simple spark can ignite an internal wildfire. When you allow that pain to burn you from the inside out, it will leave you with a melted heart and a burned out brain. If you can contain it properly, your pain can fuel your engine and will move you to heights you never thought were imaginable. They key is to build habits that enable you to grow and to reflect upon your pain. When you are having a bad day that has been triggered by your pain, you must retreat to your habits to burn off that bad fuel. Over time your pain burning habit will turn into that push to do the things you didn’t think you were capable of doing.
Every day I move to burn off my pain. I move by writing. I move by walking. I move by exercising. I move by pushing all of my physical and perceived psychological limits. I never knew that I had so much energy but it was there all along; I was just using it the wrong way. The confusion, anxiety and anger that I had was my brain’s way of coping with my past. It was doing its best to keep me afloat and protected from further pain. When feeling as though I am defeated by my past and present trials when I don’t think I have that next gear and I have the slightest hint to give up… I remember. I remember the hate and the fear that I once held. I remember my past and how helpless I once felt and I find that extra gear. I am not helpless anymore. I have more to give. I will not stop. I am relentless. Pain is my fuel.
Pain thought it was going to bury me, little did it know; I was a seed.