For as long as I can remember I have always been a shy and reserved person. I am not sure if its in my DNA or the way I was raised. Somewhere along the line I have mastered the ability of avoiding emotional pain by putting up shields whenever possible -especially in social situations. I have never pushed my social limits and unfortunately I never grew socially.
After every conversation or interaction with others I have this nagging habit of breaking down what had just transpired. Usually the end result is negative thought and I always end up believing that I could have handled that interaction better.
“Why did I say that? Why did I do that?”
“Did I say too much? Did I say too little?”
“I hope I didn’t offend them. What if I did offend them?”
“Did I react the right way? Did I react the wrong way?”
“Maybe I should have asked this instead. Why didn’t I ask that?”
“What do they think of me now? All I want is to be liked.”
There are times when I literally drive myself into a bad day just by stewing over an interaction that I had with someone. Overthinking is a tremendous waste of energy yet I still relentlessly try and overthink every social situation I am in. It is done, it is in the past, learn and move on. But I never learn and it often takes me a long time to move on.
For years I simply dismissed that I was weird and shy but that only describes my problem. It was when I had a good talk with a motivator friend of mine that I realized what was causing me such grief. I have a deep belief that I am worth less than everyone around me. I apply this worthlessness to every aspect of my life -not just in social interactions. Whatever it is and whoever it is, I believe that I am not worthy of it or them. This worthlessness has held me back in life and it has prevented me from me being me! By thinking that I am worthless, I had become worthless. Like the old saying says: “You are what you eat”, the same can also be said of “You are what you think”. I think I am worthless, therefor I am worthless.
The only way out of this debilitating habit is to deliberately practice the habit of being worthy. Like exercise, it takes repetitive movement to develop a muscle. Over and over I must exercise my worthiness in every situation I face. It doesn’t matter if a situation becomes negative, I must remain vigilant that I am the sole proprietor of my worth and not those around me. Each morning I need to tell myself that I am worthy for the day ahead. I have to go to work each day knowing that I will bring worth to that company and ultimately to myself. I must go home each night and show my worth to my family and friends by just being me. By being in a worthless mindset, I rob myself of my true identity. When I am not myself, I cannot act myself around others.
I can only be who I think I am.